I thought I would share a story that has shaped my life and approach to healing during the last 50 years of my working career. In 1972, I was first accepted into the Ida Rolf Institute in Boulder, CO to train to be a Rolfer. The Institute had recently opened and I was very keen on studying this form of body work. Previously, in my forays into emotional states and body-centered psychotherapy, I had delved into Primal Scream therapy, Gestalt therapy, Reichian Therapy, chakra balancing, and other practices, both spiritual and body oriented.
I was a fan of Jung, and intrigued with his perception of the unconscious. He suggested, and I’m paraphrasing, “that beneath your conscious awareness, lies a vast unconscious world containing your hidden fears, desires, dreams, and deeper aspects of personality”. I was drawn to his words, as well as others, who were delving into understanding consciousness in the 70’s and exploring its depths.
My attitude about emotional states and body healing at that time was basically, “one must push through emotional blocks in order to heal our emotional traumas.” In Rolfing, the understanding was that the facia layer of the muscle holds an awareness of our traumatic experiences and with the Rolfing process we can free the emotions/traumas held there. This made sense to me and I was inspired to learn more. I entered into the Rolfing training program with these perceptions and began my twelve personal Rolfing sessions, required for all new students before practicing on other students.
A disclaimer is needed here before moving forward. First, I want to share that I consider the Rolfing process a profound therapy. In my case, I could see body changes, and most profound for me, was to learn how my body processes trauma. Second, my understanding of the “Unconscious” is, of course, my own interpretation of what and how the unconscious/subconscious process might express itself in our human experience. As far as I know, with the many books on this subject over the millennia, there has been no definitive answer.
My work over the last 50 years of interacting with individuals experiencing trauma and grief has offered me precious insights into the healing process in humans, including myself. Therefore, when I refer to the “Unconscious,” it is based on my experiences and interpretations of the word. How do we reach those traumatic experiences that live in the body and mind of another? How can they be addressed and supported? As practitioners making entry into the vulnerable territory of trauma and grief, we have an opportunity to recognize that the unconscious self of the individual can become an ally, an integral part of the process.
Working in the realm of body-mind-spirit we often hit “Resistance…A Do Not Enter Sign!” This happens in most therapeutic modalities and life situations where trauma, grief shame and guilt abide. I believe, as practitioners, we are being asked to honor that resistance in the moment, reframe from pushing our agenda forward, and “hold space” as it were, offering the client a moment, a breath, an opening, so the Unconscious Self can enter and assist in the deeper work.
In the I Ching, Book of Changes, one of the hexagrams says “It does not further the fox to cross the river after getting tail wet”, and it continues to advise on the right timing of action. “Don’t Push The River,” a book by Barry Stevens, 1970, states similarly. Trying to push through unyielding water, bodies, minds, emotions, and muscles will not bring the desired affect in body, mind and spirit.
My Rolfing experience awakened me to this understanding. The Rolfer who worked on/with me was a young man, perhaps a bit older than me (I was 26 years old at the time). The therapy sessions were done in a private room on a massage table. The protocol was for the student to be unclothed, on the table for the session. There was a before and after picture taken with each session. Each session focused on different parts of the body with deep physical pressure directed toward the facia layer of the muscles of a particular area of the body. The technique was extremely painful. If someone asked me what a session was like, I would reply “If you weren’t screaming it wasn’t working!” The work was powerful and at times brutal.
In my 12th and final Rolfing session, the therapist was working around the sinus areas of my face, pressing deeply into the facia around sensitive areas under my cheek bones, around my nose, and under my sinuses. The pain was excruciating! I called out “stop!” He didn’t. Again, I said “Stop!” He didn’t, and then I sat upright on the table and screamed out, “Don’t You Listen To Me When I’m Talking To You?!!” In my mind’s eye, I’ll call it my “unconscious self”, raised up in that moment in protest, a protest that had been dormant and pushed down most of my life, but now was vocal and being ignored! I was in a rage and felt violated. I have a vague memory after that moment, of me speaking with him in my somewhat altered state, and then leaving. A few days later I left the training.
In retrospect, that session and others before it, provided me a new-found awareness about the power of giving or not giving permission to another to enter one’s emotional, physical and mental space without permission, spoken or unspoken. Here again “resistance” surges forth. The unspoken is disguised as resistance and this resistance is powerful and has consequences.
After that last session on my sinuses, it was as if a trap door within my sinuses had been locked shut. It was as if someone had placed a clothes pin on my nose, shutting off the flow of air and breathe of life into my body. Interestingly, a few weeks later, as I began practicing massage therapy again with clients, I found that while working, my breathing through my nose and sinuses was freed up. As my energy flowed through me and through the body of my client, the trap door opened, even if briefly. I contemplated this phenomenon and my theory of trauma and the unconscious took hold. If a place of trauma is uncovered in the body, or is expressed in emotional reactivity, and if that encounter is met with force, or an interpreted “Should”, resistance is created. This resistance is not because of stubbornness or not wanting to move forward by the client, but rather for the need for safety and trust. This is the voice of our unconscious coming forward. It is the most powerful, loving and observant part of ourselves. If we take a moment to let it in, acknowledge its’ wisdom to help us, we not only can begin to untangle the emotional and physical vines of our physical and emotional traumas, we can begin to heal ourselves and our clients with loving awareness.
Meira Yaer, RN, MAMFT
