Here are some of the most helpful tips Daniel and Jonathan like to share in counseling:
- Self-compassion is the healthy way to peace. Instead of trying to build self-esteem, a positive judgment of yourself when compared to others, build a healthy relationship with yourself through simply being kind to you in thought and action no matter the situation.
- Forgiveness is different than reconciliation. Forgiveness can be a powerful tool to heal but reconnecting with someone who hurt you is always optional. And when we choose to reconnect, we can also choose how close we allow that person to be in our lives.
- When you feel overwhelmed, remember the power of “for now.” Sometimes when we feel swamped by our circumstances or trapped by the choices we feel we need to make, simply tagging on the phrase “for now” can make a world of difference.
- Feeling safe is the brain’s top priority. Many painful feelings we experience in life come from not feeling secure in our environment. Unfortunately, no one can think themselves into feeling safe. Learning ways to increase feelings of safety can help to make many painful emotions feel less overwhelming.
- Develop a both/and mindset. Frequently, we get trapped between two seemingly opposite choices which increases feelings of being stuck. When we find the compromise between both Option A and Option B, we often find the most effective choice.
- The first step to managing our emotions is curiosity rather than judgment. Telling ourselves we ought not to feel something or that we are bad for doing so makes the feeling worse. When we develop curiosity about what we feel and where it comes from, we can choose more effective self-soothing behaviors.
- The opposite of addiction is connection. All addictions are rooted in shame, unworthiness, and disconnection, often caused by trauma. The more one can experience connection with God, others, nature, or self, the less likely they are to engage in numbing or self-destructive behaviors.
- There is no decision without loss. Every time we say yes to something, we say no to something else. Be mindful of the cost of your decisions and make decisions based upon your values instead of your emotions or impulses. This will lead to more self-acceptance and fulfillment.
- What we resist, persists. There are many examples of paradoxes in life, where the harder we try, the worse we make the problem. If we can learn to increase our willingness to have uncomfortable emotions, it will lessen the intensity of the discomfort and help us to move towards acceptance of our feelings.
- More anxiety, more dysfunction. Tired of walking on eggshells around your partner or family member? In order for couples and families to have healthier relationships, they need to listen to what behaviors in the relationship create anxiety and change the behavior to create more approachability and security.
- Note the exception. All of us are guilty of being judgmental and generalizing at times. This can lead to closed-mindedness, which can create dysfunction in life and relationships. Catch yourself making generalizations and add the phrase “except when…”. For example, “My son is so irresponsible, except when he’s not.” This will help you to treat others and yourself more fairly.
- All pain is worthy of compassion. When we compare pain, we invalidate pain, which creates disconnection and a sense of unworthiness. If we want our partner or children to be open with us about their feelings and life problems, we need to stop comparing their experience to our own and learn to be validating and empathetic.
